The lesson of broken streaks.

I hit 74 days. A streak of 74 days in the Bible app. And one day I didn’t get to open the app before 12AM… my streak went back to zero. Zero.

The disappointment my heart was filled with when I realized what happened was quite overwhelming. I hit a record streak. It felt good and right. It felt like I was doing well in my walk of faith overall. Each day was filled with the Word; if I couldn’t spent substantial amount of time reading and studying, I was using audio version in my spare minutes. I made sure my every day was filled with the Scripture…

Although… did I feel good about being in the Word or about myself doing so well for such a long time..?

The hard truth is I felt good about myself and my accomplishment. I felt like I was doing well. I realize that there were days I opened the app not even to immerse myself in the Word but to make sure the number went up again. I made this about me and how great I am at this.

But this is not about me. This is about knowing my Lord more, about learning things about Him and having my heart and mind transformed by Him, so that my love for God may grow.

This showed me once again how much of a performance-based Christian I am. I feel good about myself and my walk of faith if I do the right thing, when I am consistent with my devotions and prayer, and I feel like I’ve failed at Christianity when I don’t. It’s as if I try to earn God’s favor by doing well…

‘“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, ” Ephesians 2:4… God loves and redeems me not because of what I do or not do, but because of His own character. He is rich in mercy. He has great love. And nothing that I, as his child, do can shift that. He is the one doing the work of salvation and sanctification and it does not depend on me.

I would like to finish with words of David Platt:

“…all who trust in Jesus, whether today for the first time, or for those of you who trusted in Jesus however many years ago, you have radically new rest from performance-based religion. Never forget how revolutionary this is. I think we miss this. I talk with so many Christians who feel so defeated, who feel like God is so upset with them all the time because they’re not measuring up in this way or that way. Do you ever feel like that? If that’s you, hear God’s Word to you today. God’s pleasure in you is not based on your performance for Him. God’s pleasure in you is based on Christ’s performance for you. Jesus has died on the cross to pay the price for all of your inability to measure up. If you are trusting in Jesus, you have radical rest in the love God has for you. God loves you, not because you are good enough, but because He is gracious enough! So rest in His grace.”

Discontentment can be good.

I think we all have faced discontentment in our life. Whether it is discontentment about the things we have, things we do, or just who we are. Someone else has a better job than you. Someone else is doing so well in school and you’ve failed yet another class. Someone else has a kind of friends group that you would want. You name it.

I have fought discontentment for a long time. And have come to realization that it isn’t always bad. It’s sometimes okay to not be satisfied with where you are.

What? You can’t be serious, Milyena. What about being happy with what you have and where you are?

It’s true that we ought to be content and fight for joy, reminding ourselves that where God placed us is where we need to be. Let me elaborate.

You meet someone who works in the same field you do. They are advanced in it, they are knowledgeable, proficient, and it looks like the job itself goes so much easier for them. You look at them and think, “I am not where this person is with my work and I want to be.” You start working more diligently, you learn various aspects of the job and you become a better professional.

You know someone in church who are the best kind of person. They love the Lord and are in the Word. They serve diligently and wholeheartedly. They truly love the people around them and create lasting friendships with others. You look at them and think, “I am not like that, but I want to be.” You start imitating them, striving to be a person who is as loving toward others. You start spending more time in the Word and with that person searching for what is it that makes this person so great. You want to be like them so you put effort to get there.

You read the Scripture and a passage pierces your heart. It describes something you have struggled for a while, but, if you are honest with yourself, you got used to it. You got used to failing and fighting your own self seems frightening because any change is. You are afraid you will fail so what’s the point of trying? And yet, you want out. You want to grow spiritually and know how to beat this in your life. You start searching for answers because where you are now is not good enough. You need it to get better. You take the necessary steps, get counseling, and do all that you can to work out your salvation.

I have learned that discontentment can serve as a motivator to put more effort into something than before. It can be a reminder that “good enough” is not always good enough. It can be better. I can be better.

I heard someone saying that while God accepts us the way we are, he never leaves us the way we are. So if there is someone or something that makes us feel dissatisfied with ourselves, maybe it’s a good thing. I think that if we are discontent about the good things, the heavenly things, it is not something to fight. If it makes us Christians who are always striving for holiness and perfecting everything we do, why not embrace it and do what is necessary to become those people?

We can trust that God redeems our discontentment and can use it for our good. My prayer is that he does so in me, first and foremost, and in you.

“I am with you always”. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

When I was 16, I thought that by the time I am 25, my life will be a settled one. I’ll get a degree, work (hopefully part-time), be married and have a kid (that’s why “part-time”), serve in ministry, and not worry about the next day because I will know what it will bring. In my dreams life was supposed to be simple and set. Predictable. Stable.

However, for the good part of it, my life doesn’t really look like what I imagined it to be. It’s not completely predictable. It feels like the winds of change and challenge can blow my way any minute and I will have no choice but to submit to them. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know where I will be led and taken next year and what decisions I will have to make.

(Maybe you can relate?)

Although it’s not what I imagined it to be, I would dare to say it’s better. God made sure I would grow, taste his goodness, experience his mercy and grace poured on me, and face the new day with assurance of his guidance and love. So when I confront my future, that is what my God shows me. He is already there.

In the midst of the storm of uncertainty, comes gentle wave of God’s promise – “I the Lord do not change” (Malachi 3:6)

My future may feel insecure, but my God secures me. He tells me, “…I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

He may lead me somewhere I do not imagine of going, but he comforts me, “‘My presence will go with you and I will give you rest'” (Exodus 33:!4)

But guess what, God doesn’t only promise his presence and guidance, he also performs a miracle of changing one’s mindset and expectations.

Over time, with prayer, searching and wondering, I have been learning couple of things:

1. Uncertainty does not have to bring fear and worry. Leaving the planning of my future to the Lord gives a sense of rest. I don’t have to fuss up about what’s to come, how to make it happen when my God already took care of that. I can rest and face every morning with the comfort of knowing he’s got it.
2. “Uncertainty” can match up to “possibility”. Instead of letting fear dominate, I am learning to turn my heart to excitement over what freedom God has for me to choose what to do with my life. I heard once that as long as you stay within God’s will of salvation and sanctification, as long as you are in the Word and prayer, you have the freedom to do whatever you want with your life. Do you want to you go to school? Then go. Do you want to try out for that promotion? Do it. Do you want to become a missionary overseas? It’s a noble calling, pursue it. “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). If your first and foremost delight is in the Lord, then he is sure and faithful to mend your heart in a way that your desires align with his.

Maybe you are in the same spot as I am. Maybe you have envisioned your life in a different way. I encourage you, friend, to sit down and reflect on the ways God has led you until today, and to turn to his promise of love, care, and guidance as you consider your tomorrow. Sit down, list your worries, and battle them with his promises. I pray that God shows you that uncertain future doesn’t have to bring fear. I pray that God gives you rest and joy in this period of your life.

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

Isaiah 54:10

Why do I journal

After writing every day for Februaryfreewrite challenge, I suddenly found myself drained. I thought it was going to serve as a boost for writing, but I didn’t realize how mentally and emotionally tiring it would be.

I thought it would be refreshing to absorb content instead of producing it for some time. So that’s what I did. I barely even journaled. I read books, listened to podcasts, and watched TV shows.

Friend who keeps up with my blog, thank you for your patience.

However, taking a break from writing makes room for thinking about why is writing important? What’s the point? Why journal and why express thoughts on a piece of paper?

I guess, it’s best to start in the beginning…

I picked up my first journal when I was around 12 years old. “Dear Diary…” I started and ever since I not-so-consistently recollected and recorded various ordinary and not so ordinary days of my life.

(A month or so later I stopped writing “Dear Diary” because it felt silly. I mean, I wasn’t going to pretend that my notebook is a living thing…)

They say there is no wrong way to journal.

Well, I discovered that it’s false. There absolutely is.

When you use it to accumulate your venting and your complaining, it is the wrong way to journal. You end up wallowing in self-pity, justifying your negative thinking, and focusing on your own persona. You end up believing the lies whispered to you by the enemy and your own mind. You fill your heart with bitterness toward people, circumstances around you, and eventually, God.

I had fallen into the category of one who swims in her own pool of emotions by recalling, recollecting, and recycling her thoughts.

And yet, the Lord was gracious to meet me in my pool. As he worked on my heart, on having me know him better and deeper, as he opened his Word to me, I found there was a better and a healthier way to journal.

However, keeping a diary doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I recently had a chance to visit Capitol Hill Baptist Church where Pastor Mark Dever asked whether we take the time to recount God’s goodness and leadership in our life. I was encouraged to collect memories once again for that reason. God has been beyond gracious and good to me, meeting me in my highs and lows, providing his guidance, encouragement, lessons, and love. So if keeping a diary will help me to remember those moments, I am willing to give it a try once again.

I imagine that King David didn’t think that his most personal thoughts were to be published and read by millions of people more two thousand years later. When I read Psalms, they very well look like journal entries to me. But notice this – a whole lot of them are formed in a version of prayers.

So, that’s what I started doing. By writing my own prayers, I have become aware of what am I actually praying about and for. I can also analyze my prayers and learn to pray better. Jesus’ disciples, who have been praying their whole life, asked him to teach them to pray. I want to learn as well. So, collecting prayers helps me in my learning process.

Journaling serves as a way to perform self-analysis. I often don’t know what exactly is it that I think or feel unless I write it down and read it back to myself. And oh how helpful has that been so far. (“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” – 2 Cor. 13:5). I discover I understand less than I do, think about more than I realize, question more than I thought I did, and I need to address all of that.

So, I need answers to my questions and concerns. I need the Gospel to gain clarity. I don’t know about you, friend, but I tend to forget. I may read a passage and the information goes right in one ear and out the other. That’s where writing helps tremendously. I find that as I write down my notes while studying the Word (or the Word itself, writing out the verses that particularly stand out), the words become more real, more “alive” in a sense. They enter my mind so much more strongly and there’s less chance of them leaving it soon. It also gives me time to reflect on what is it that I’m writing and test my understanding of the Scriptures. Writing also gives a chance to go back, sit in the passage and its lesson, and let it penetrate the mind and heart again and again.

In my journey of self-reflection, I found John Piper’s words to be a tremendous encouragement:

“In other words, I found so much confusion and uncertainty in my mind about so many things that it was very hard to know what to think or feel or do. That’s a great impediment to obedience. It’s a great impediment to glorifying Christ.

If you’re constantly confused about the Bible and how to apply it, then it will impede growth. I needed clarity about Bible passages. I needed clarity about the will of God and the pros and cons of various paths for my life. I needed clarity about relationships — for example, what they should look like. These relationships were friends, in the early days, a girlfriend or not a girlfriend, and now wife and children and grandchildren. I needed clarity about social issues and ethical issues.”
https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/why-does-john-piper-journal

Ultimately, the point of journaling is not to write our thoughts down to be established forever. It needs to be a method by which we strive for a changed mindset and heart. It should glorify God (“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all for the glory of God” -1 Cor. 10:31), and serve as one of helpful tools in our sanctification (As he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct.” -1 Peter 1:15) .

I know not everyone enjoys writing. But I highly encourage you to give it a try. There is a chance it might transform your Scripture study and your meditation on the Lord’s work in you own life. Find a way to remember God’s goodness toward you, to study his Word in a more efficient way, and gain clarity in life. If writing becomes that, I would be so glad.

Day 14 – Love

Obviously.

My first thought when I saw today’s word. It’s all about Valentine’s Day today. About flowers, chocolate, love notes, and love confessions, love rants about your significant other, and all that jazz.

I mean it’s not a bad thing to want to share your happiness with others but it seems as if we are expected to do that nowadays. What if we don’t put anything online? What if we decide not to gush about our significant other? Does that mean we’re not happy as we should be? Does that mean we want to hide something? Does that mean that it’s not real? It’s almost as if the “if you don’t post about it, it didn’t happen” statement is true.

I keep thinking about how much is appropriate to share on social media. How much is enough? Why do we post anything about our personal lives? I mean once again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to share our happiness. That’s why we reach for our phones and call our family and friends when we get the good news, that’s why we share something good with our churches, so we can share the joy God gives us with those who walk through life with us.

I watched the posts about couples on Valentine’s day and I found several posts on the reality of marriage and relationships, how it is not all flowers and chocolates, and it was even more joyful to see people be real about that aspect of their lives. And that was most encouraging, to be honest. That we, as Christians, can be joyful for one another and use social media not just to share our lives with others, but also use them for encouragement and uplifting of one another’s spirits.

Days 11-12 – Name and Birth

Before I was born my parents knew what my name was. They didn’t even think about a possibility of having a boy. They simply had confidence that it will be a girl and her name will be Milyena.

God the same way has prepared me for himself. He knew I was going to be his child long before I even felt the tug on my heart that I am a sinner and that I need salvation. He knew at what time he is going to call me and bring me into his family.

And he did just that. He brought me in. He saved me. He gave me a new name, new title of being his daughter. He claimed me as his own and revived me.

Sometimes I think what if I was named somehow differently? What would I change. And would it change anything? Would I be the same person? Would I have the same personality? Would I have the same characters strengths and flaws? And would I change anything? Would I want anything different about me?

And then I think that no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change the name or where I came from. I wouldn’t change what I have gone through because it built me into who I am today. I wouldn’t be me without any of that. I wouldn’t change my name, no matter how unusual it is or how hard it is to pronounce for non-Slavic people. It is who I am. And God knew exactly what to name me and what family to place me in. And though it all might not be perfect, it’s mine.

Once again, he knew. He knew to do better than I could have ever imagined.

Days 7-8 – Mystery and Centered

Due to my missing one day of writing because of my sickness, I decided to try to combine two words in one post once again.

Alright, let’s see…

For many the story of the Gospel is simply a story. God creating man and after man fails him, becomes man, and dies in man’s place, so man can still have the fellowship and unity with God.

Sounds almost.. fictional. Sounds almost irrational. And almost too good to be true. People have tried to solve this mystery for ages and yet it all comes down to a choice “to believe or not to believe”.

When you’re a child, you believe all kinds of stories. When you play make- believe, they become real for you for a time being. The difference in the case of the Gospel is that it’s the reality. And just like children are looked down upon with a sympathetic smile, we are looked down upon the same way. We seem like fools to those who don’t believe.

But if you think about it, we’re the centered ones. We have the belief in the mystery of God becoming man for our sake and that keeps us centered. That keeps us grounded. What’s foolish for the world, is in fact the most true and stable thing that can exist.

So, we as believers in the mystery, are actually centered on the truth. I hope it warms your heart as much as it does mine, friend.

Day 6 – Grieve

I haven’t experienced much when it comes to grief.

Neither do I know what to say when I see people grieving. Honestly, it’s as if every word is pointless. Nothing I can say is going to make those who are grieving feel better. Nothing I could do could ease their pain.

“It’s going to be okay” can be a lie. What if it’s not going to be? It’s like making promises I can’t keep.

“I’m sorry”. Well of course I am. But my sorrow is nothing compared to those who lost their loved one.

“Praying for you”. Probably the most appropriate. I cannot make things better for them, but I can hand those who grieve to God who can.

God is the ultimate healer. I’ve watched people lose everything with the loss of their loved ones. A wife left alone with 4 children after her husband passed away. A husband who has to find the strength to go outside because he lost his partner, his best friend. A friend who lost their confidant and the one they loved more like a brother. Each and every one of these people came out stronger, more compassionate, and loving. Because they placed their hope in God, the only one with true power to make things better, the only one to mend their hearts and fill them with peace.

He knows. He truly knows how much it hurts. He knows the weight of grief. He knows the struggle to get back on your feet. He knows what words you need and he has them. He is there to take care of the grieving. I might not know, but he does. He knows.

Day 5 – Exhale

Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for things. I’m holding my breath as I wait for the change. I’m holding my breath as I wait for that vacation. I am holding my breath for a lot of things…

But if you hold your breath for too long, that might actually be harmful. You need to exhale once in a while. You cannot live holding your breath for the next thing. As a friend of mine once told me, “You only have 24 hours. You don’t know if tomorrow is going to come. You only have 24 hours to love the Lord and love the people.“ So I choose to exhale and live one day at a time. I choose to notice the little things that happen daily. Not to wait for the next big thing, but to enjoy every day that I am given, for tomorrow might not come.

Day 4 – Invite

“What are you doing on New Years? Do you have anyone to spend it with? No? Then, how about you come over our house?”

This was my parents inviting people to their home every December 31st when I was a child. I grew up in a church where everyone was related to everyone, or at least a good 1/3 of the congregation. Well, almost everyone. There were still some people who weren’t a part of any large family group and our family of 3 was one of those.

So, we built relationships without having the blood bond doing the work for us. What I started noticing as I got older was that my parents kept inviting over those who wouldn’t get invited anywhere – A single woman in her 30s, who doesn’t have a family to spend holidays with, a couple that just moved to our church, and doesn’t have anyone to help them with little children, and all those who just didn’t “fit” in any group.

This observation has made a huge impact in my life. If there is anything I learned from my parents it would be this: if you want to create strong friendships that last a lifetime, you have to invite people in. Not just in your home, but in your life. You need to be a friend to those who need a friend. Not create friendships with the “popular crowd” but with those who don’t fit in a crowd, those who are forgotten or disregarded. You need to extend your love to those who need it most. This kind of friendship might not be the most comfortable at first, but it is most rewarding.

Jesus extended the invitation to enjoy fellowship with him to those who couldn’t give him anything in return. It might have been more prestige for him to spend time with the teachers of the law, discussing Scripture and enjoying highly intellectual conversations. But instead Jesus was the friend of the sinners. He was the friend of the weak, the crippled, and the outcasts of the society. And they ended up being some of his most faithful followers.

The people we have invited for New Years back in the day have become some of our closest friends. By watching how my parents built friendships, I learned that you don’t have to be related to be family. A friend can be closer than a brother. It all starts with just a simple invitation.