Discontentment can be good.

I think we all have faced discontentment in our life. Whether it is discontentment about the things we have, things we do, or just who we are. Someone else has a better job than you. Someone else is doing so well in school and you’ve failed yet another class. Someone else has a kind of friends group that you would want. You name it.

I have fought discontentment for a long time. And have come to realization that it isn’t always bad. It’s sometimes okay to not be satisfied with where you are.

What? You can’t be serious, Milyena. What about being happy with what you have and where you are?

It’s true that we ought to be content and fight for joy, reminding ourselves that where God placed us is where we need to be. Let me elaborate.

You meet someone who works in the same field you do. They are advanced in it, they are knowledgeable, proficient, and it looks like the job itself goes so much easier for them. You look at them and think, “I am not where this person is with my work and I want to be.” You start working more diligently, you learn various aspects of the job and you become a better professional.

You know someone in church who are the best kind of person. They love the Lord and are in the Word. They serve diligently and wholeheartedly. They truly love the people around them and create lasting friendships with others. You look at them and think, “I am not like that, but I want to be.” You start imitating them, striving to be a person who is as loving toward others. You start spending more time in the Word and with that person searching for what is it that makes this person so great. You want to be like them so you put effort to get there.

You read the Scripture and a passage pierces your heart. It describes something you have struggled for a while, but, if you are honest with yourself, you got used to it. You got used to failing and fighting your own self seems frightening because any change is. You are afraid you will fail so what’s the point of trying? And yet, you want out. You want to grow spiritually and know how to beat this in your life. You start searching for answers because where you are now is not good enough. You need it to get better. You take the necessary steps, get counseling, and do all that you can to work out your salvation.

I have learned that discontentment can serve as a motivator to put more effort into something than before. It can be a reminder that “good enough” is not always good enough. It can be better. I can be better.

I heard someone saying that while God accepts us the way we are, he never leaves us the way we are. So if there is someone or something that makes us feel dissatisfied with ourselves, maybe it’s a good thing. I think that if we are discontent about the good things, the heavenly things, it is not something to fight. If it makes us Christians who are always striving for holiness and perfecting everything we do, why not embrace it and do what is necessary to become those people?

We can trust that God redeems our discontentment and can use it for our good. My prayer is that he does so in me, first and foremost, and in you.

This Christmas I ask for a broken heart

I come into the elevator and skim the people around me – two men and a woman, who are somewhat between their 60s and 70s.  After passing couple of floors down, the door opens and a younger woman comes in. “Are you going down?” she asks. One of the men answers, “Oh yes, we are. Well, we can’t go up yet… to heaven, I mean. Not that I am not going there anyway; not after what I did in Vietnam.” 

The silence that follows his words feels heavy. We arrive downstairs and say our “have a good day”s to one another. Walking away from the building, I can’t shake the feeling that there was so much more behind those couple of sentences. There was such hopelessness in his words… 

“Did you get used to your own hope?”

What? Where did that come from? I am just here thinking about someone who is most likely living his life in fear of death and where he will be after, and how comforting it is to have our own hope as Christians…

“Did you get used to it?”

…did I?

When you grow up in church and a family of believers, your whole life revolves around listening and reading of God’s faithfulness, goodness, how his love never fails, and how the Gospel changes everything for us. It is, in fact, so easy to get used to the good things and dismiss them as something usual and even mundane.

Because it’s Advent season, (obviously) my mind goes into “Christmas mode”. Christmas is one of those seasons in life that happen regularly and eventually become usual. So I find myself getting lost in excitement for lights, tinsel, cheer, Christmas songs, the story of God’s hope for the humanity, how he sent his Son to be born for our salvation… as I said, you get used to the good things.

When I hear “Christ and the Gospel are the true reasons for joy”, my mind understands it, but my heart isn’t always pierced with truth like it used to in my early years of walking with God. As much as I feel bad for that man who had no hope, it is even more devastating, when I, who tasted that God is good, can find Him and his gifts mundane.

I love how John Piper puts it in his Advent devotional – “The Dawning of Indestructible Joy”:

“That is my prayer for you this Christmas—that you would experience the fullness of Christ; that you would know in your heart the outpouring of grace upon grace; that the glory of the only Son from the Father would shine into your heart to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ; that you would be amazed that Christ can be so real to you”

So I pray for the hardened heart to be broken this Christmas. I pray that God puts me and you, my friend, in the place of worship where we truly find Him wonderful. Where his grace is sweet again. Where his goodness brings forth tears of gratitude and joy. May we never get used to what He has given us through sacrificing His Son for our redemption. I ask you now, have you gotten used to having hope? Do you find grace ordinary? Oh may it not be so!

Blessing of “Friendsgiving”

This year’s Thanksgiving season was my first without my immediate family so I was graciously invited to someone else’s home and welcomed to join their thanksgiving celebration. Then, I got to spend time at a conference with old and new friends.

And in the midst of all that, I became more and more grateful for one thing:

The church.

I think about how Lord has done his amazing work in the hearts of his people and filled them with desire to open their home and serve others. In the world where people are afraid to welcome others into their lives and close their doors, God creates a miracle of having his children do just the opposite.

I also think about how we can come together and worship our God together, in one spirit and unity, even if we only met couple of minutes ago. It’s astonishing how we can build strong friendships with people who live miles away and feel like family because the gospel is our common ground.

If it weren’t for Christ and his sacrifice, if it weren’t for God to work in the hearts of each and every one of his children, we wouldn’t have all of that. There are so many people out there who are in conflict with their families, don’t have friends, and feel alone. And it is astonishing that God creates such friendships among us, so we can say that “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24)

The Lord said that “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). While we apply it to the concept of marriage, I believe this can also be applied in a general sense. We weren’t created to live life on our own. And even though not all of us share life with a spouse, we can all rejoice as we, the Bride of Christ, live in unity with one another.

I am of course thankful for my family, as well as for the example of their faith, love and support. But I am just as thankful for my church family, whom I get to do life with thanks to Christ’s redemptive work in each of our hearts.

Guilt vs. Grace

I was planning to do a different post this week, something that sounds smart and like I know what I am doing.

And then, everything went down the drain. I was failing in one thing after another. I hurt the people I love by saying the wrong thing, I said things at the wrong time, I gave in to procrastination, I watched an addictive TV show instead of reading, I didn’t study enough, I didn’t wake up early enough to do my devotions, I didn’t even wake up on time, I fell behind on my Bible reading plan again… you name it, I probably failed at it too. The guilt over all of that is gut-wrenching and sometimes overwhelming. I feel like I don’t say “forgive me” enough in my prayers.

I heard some people referring to sin as a chronic sickness, another form of cancer, if you will. Therefore, I am facing the road of recovery.

First of all, I know that sin has to be taken seriously. I cannot get used to God’s grace, thinking I can do whatever I want now. I have to be vigorous about killing my sin, or it will kill me (John Owen, “Mortification of Sin”). I should be sorrowful and regretful about my sin. I need to have the grief over not following God’s commands and not relying on his promises for strength to live a godly life. Paul says that the godly grief produces repentance.

Then, I am reminded that God has covered my sin with the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He views me as perfect and blameless despite all my failures because of his Son who paid the price for everything I am failing at. I am free from guilt and dominion of sin because of Him. Oh, what a sweet promise it is!

Finally, here I am flooded with questions: Where is the line between godly grief and excessive beating yourself up for something you’ve done? Can it even be excessive? What should the process of getting back on my feet be? Am I beating myself up too much or not? What if I am not taking my sin seriously enough? What if I got used to grace and started abusing it by now?

How do I rely on God’s grace while still feeling guilt over my sin? How do I find the right balance without swinging between the two like a pendulum?

To be honest, I am still looking for the right and perfect answers. But I know that God does not despise a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:17). So I am clinging to Him, waiting on him to bring healing, restore the joy of my salvation, and help me get up for the thousandth time.

Don’t give up on resolutions

Have you ever made a resolution? I have. I resolved to read my Bible every single day; to read 2-3 books a month; to not watch that show that wasn’t good for me; to not procrastinate; to be more thoughtful of others; to start a prayer journal; to keep up with my prayer journal….

And guess what, I’ve gone through the same cycle every time. It looks about like this:

1. I am excited to make this change. I go and delete that show from my queue on Netflix, I pick up couple of extra books to read, and start that prayer journal.
2. I keep it up for about a week and I am happy to see how well it goes so far.
3. I do exactly what I said I wouldn’t or I don’t do what I thought I would. I feel guilty.
4. I repeat the same. I feel more guilty. (can you relate?)

And then there are two options: to give up or to keep fighting. But what could help in the fight; to keep going, when you keep failing?

1. Evaluate your reasons. Are you doing this just to be able to say “I did it”? Are you looking for a satisfactory feeling at the end of the game? Our resolutions and goals should have one purpose: knowing Jesus, satisfying our souls in Him. Pray for God to fire up your heart for Himself, so that you find Him sweeter than anything that might stand in the way of your enjoyment of Him. (Philippians 3:8)
2. Recognize your own weakness. I cannot stress this enough: YOU CANNOT DO IT ON YOUR OWN. You’re simply incapable of that. Our hearts are corrupted, they don’t desire good naturally (Romans 3:10; Matthew 15:19). Therefore, you need the work of the Holy Spirit in this. Only God can change your heart to desire good, to desire sanctification in Him.
3. Remember that God is on your side. The Lord loves you and will not lead you into temptation (James 1:13). On the contrary, His desire is for you and his allegiance is for you, if you are his child (Romans 8:15-16; 1 John 3:1). What loving father will not stand by his child’s side and lovingly, with grace, pick his son up, when he has fallen?
4. Persevere as you rest in grace. Remember that your salvation does not depend on your merits. You simply cannot earn it or keep it by good works. Your salvation is secured in Jesus’ sacrifice alone. (Romans 8:2-4; Ephesians 2:8-9) Find your rest in that, as you cling to this truth. And persevere because those who run the race will obtain the prize (1 Corinthians 9:24). Draw motivation and strength from the Word of God daily, because his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).
5. Seek accountability. This is a tough one. It requires opening up to someone and confessing to them about your ups and downs as you work toward your goal. But no matter how scary it might seem, you simply cannot run this race on your own. Accountability of a friend helps to keep us in check. It also shows us the grace of God when we confess to other believers, as they show grace to us.

Don’t give up, friend. The good fight is worth it. Rest in the grace of God and run the race.

Finding joy in mediocrity

I consider myself mediocre.

I can write, but I am an amateur in the world of writing. I can sing, but there are definitely those more qualified than me. I can teach, but I wouldn’t say I have the extraordinary gift of teaching. I am fairly intelligent, but I am nowhere near genius or brilliant. I am skilled at piano playing, but there is always someone better than me.

If you do something, the result should be the best that it can be, right? If you take on work, then it should lead you to success and promotion, no? But what if being average is all that I am called for? What if I am not called to stand out? What if whatever I do is meant to be hidden in the shadows of others’ who will take the spotlight? What if I will never have that big break and discover my potential that will put me upfront?

Having all these thoughts flood my head, I want to know what does Scripture say about mediocrity? And what am I supposed to do with it?

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)

‘…rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man” (Ephesians 6:7)

When Paul talks about ministry, he makes a point about being faithful and diligent with it. Not to settle for “good enough”, but to strive to do our best for the glory of God and service to gospel community. I am to serve others, being faithful in however little or much I am given, not to make myself known.

Paul Tripp says, “If you forget who you are, your ministry will be shaped by a smugness that is more about displaying how great you are, rather than how glorious is the Savior who still meets you in your weakness.”(“God’s Glory, Our Excellence”, thegospelcoaligion.org).

So, who am I? I am a sinner, undeserving God’s love and grace. Someone who is created to  bring her Creator and Savior praise and spread his gospel, saying “He must increase, but I must decrease.”(John 3:30).

And another reminder from Tony Reinke: “Our joy is not rooted in our successes, and it’s not extinguished by our failures. Our joy is rooted in the unalterable fact that in Christ our names are written on heaven’s roll-call.” (Why Rooting Joy in Ministry Success Is Disastrous”, desiringgod.org)

Taking all of that in, I learn that mediocrity is not something to settle for, but neither is it something to be ashamed of. It serves as a reminder that it is not about me. My ministry is not about how amazing of a musician/writer/teacher I am, but it is about being faithful in doing the work I have been called to.  So I pray to find my joy not in my success, but in God’s grace to me and His salvation.